Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.